Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This house was built for laser tag.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
