If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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