My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
