I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
