I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The Olympian is in my bed
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
