just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
