i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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