I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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