If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
