Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
