At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Randomize
