these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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