coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
