There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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