I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
