the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize