just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
