I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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