I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
