I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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