My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize