I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
