Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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