One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
