I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
