I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
