gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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