i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
