I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
