So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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