you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
