What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
