Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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