I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize