she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
