Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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