Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
