You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
