I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
