so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
