You're completely useless in the revolution.
Plan B is the new Plan A
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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