So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
