every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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