Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize