Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
