oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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