I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
