You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
