Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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