I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
