Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
