i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Less talking, more tequila
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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