he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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