On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
