I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
