3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
