Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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