I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
