I heard we made out
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
