She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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