I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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