Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
