Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
