Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
